Self Assessment
A memory from the pre-life (not a tax story)
Everything was quiet. Just ahead of me, angels were handing out forms to throngs of people as they filtered onto the cloud top.
On my lap was a carefully-typed paper, slightly luminous, with a list of questions:
Have you been good in this lifetime?
(rate yourself out of 10)
How many addictions or temptations were you able (with difficulty) to overcome in the course of your life?
- None
- 1–2
- 3+
Have you forgiven yourself for that really big mistake you made, and all the other ones too?
- Totally
- Not at all
- Working on it
- I don’t know what you’re talking about
How kind have you been — to yourself and others?
(rate yourself out of 100)
Finally, where should we put you?
- Heaven
- Hell
- Earth
- Purgatory
My pen hovered over the page. “Isn’t someone else supposed to do this?” I thought. But the thought floated uselessly in space, unable to connect with any other part of my brain. I filled in the paper, stood up, and waited in line behind a row of other souls to hand it in. I was pleased with my answers — although nervous to find out if I’d got them right. Especially the bit about Heaven.
We inched forward, one by one, until I found myself bathed in an opal light.
“Form please”
The angel, on whose features I could not focus without squinting, took my paper and gently confiscated my pencil. He thanked me, screwed up the paper and tossed it in a garbage can next to his desk. “Where would you like to go?” he asked.
“What about my paper?” I said. “Aren’t you going to tell me how I’ve done?”
“Heaven? Hell? Earth? Purgatory?” the angel prompted.
I tried to make the word Heaven with my mouth, but it wouldn’t come out. Suddenly my words were living things, with a will of their own. The angel waited. I was aware of a million other souls behind me.
“I think Earth,” I said. “Realistically.”
“Great,” said the angel. “Down you go.”
He waved me towards the back, where another angel instructed me to lie down on a mattress. Then I slid backwards through a dark void.
I don’t remember anything else.
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Laurence Shorter is author of The Optimist: One Man’s Search for the Brighter Side of Life (2009) and The Lazy Guru’s Guide to Life.
